Co-Parenting and Child Custody Cases

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  My great-grandmother used to quote this old Irish saying all the time.  I think of it whenever an activist judge structures a custody order that ignores the underlying power struggle between litigating parents in a child custody dispute, ignoring the evidence of their struggle in attempting to be "fair" to both parents.

The job of the judge in a custody case is to listen to all of the evidence, and decide what is best for the kids. This doesn't always happen.   Family judges seem to fall on one of two ends of the spectrum.  Either they despise family law and would rather not hear anything other than the bare minimum or they think their job is to make everybody happy, and in doing so, fail to hold the parents accountable for their bad actions as parents.

The bottom line is this:  if there wasn't something wrong with one or both parents in the way they deal with their kids, they wouldn't be in court at trial!  So . . . what happens?  Too often, a judge decides to give these difficult parents the opportunity to continue their bad behavior by ordering that they "co-parent."

There are all kinds of fancy, trendy "services" out there that make plenty of buck from this kind of court order.  Parent coordinators.  Reunification counselors.  Custody evaluators.  The list is endless.  And the problem is not that these services exist, it is that these folks too often suffer from the same myth the judges do, that after the litigation is over, with a little (or a lot) of help, the parents will magically be transformed into kind (or at least functional) parents.

Down where I come from, we have a word for that, but like Auntie Em in the Wizard of Oz said, "I can't repeat 'em because I'm a good woman."

One answer that actually works is when courts acknowledge the fact of the dysfunction.  It's happening in courts all over the country, specifically (of course) in Southern California, where the courts require what they call "recidivist" cases (meaning the ones that keep coming back) into high-conflict parenting classes.  These courses specifically do not expect couples to try to just get along, they teach parents what is known as "parallel parenting."  The theory goes that if one parent is reasonably sane (and this is often the case) that person can learn not to engage with the other parent, but to parent on a parallel track that doesn't give the less capable parent the chance to use the kids (and the legal system) to champion their personal cause.

For more information, here is a link to some of the best education out there on how to make this work:  Deena Stacer, Ph.D. - Part 1 of Online Course

Justice, Rights and Balance

A lot of folks call me about their divorce (or worse) custody case and the first thing they say is something like this:

"I want to protect my rights."

The problem is, they confuse justice and their rights with balance and fairness.  Especially in family court, unlike say, criminal court, most courts are not so much interested in lining up the rights of each party in the case as they are concerned with doing what is fair for the family unit.  And when children are involved, what matters (or should) is what will be best for the kids.

The other problem is that when a family case --- whether a divorce, custody, guardianship or will dispute matter --- ends up being a court contest, one or both of the parties is unable to untangle his or her rights with those of the entire family.  When the other party is confronted with this situation, the only recourse is to meet that person with strong but balanced advocacy.

That's why the motto of Maryland Family Law Firm, L.L.C. is, "Balancing Rights With Care."  Call us today if you want a strong and balanced divorce or custody attorney.

On Grandparents, Families and Children

Almost four years ago, I became a grandmother.  It was terrific!  I love that kid more than I ever thought possible.  I don't get to see my grandchild as much as I'd like, but I've learned a few things about how passionately I can love a child.

And it isn't only family members who often feel they have a stake in the life of a child.  Many stepparents, same sex parents who haven't adopted a child, and sometimes other community members, feel strong bonds with children who aren't related to them by blood.

From the perspective of a child, there can never be too many loving adults in his or her life.  The problem is, when the state undertakes to regulate the legal relationship of those adults to the child, everything gets a lot more complicated.

Some states have laws that recognize these third parties.  They call them de facto parents.  That means adults who have such a strong history of relationship with a child that, whatever their bloodline, to the child, these grownups are a parent.

Other states try to draw a clear line between third parties and natural (or adoptive) parents.  But many of these states have either statutes or case law that carves out exceptions allowing some limited circumstances when a third-party can obtain visitation or custody of a child.

Maryland law has exceptions to the hard and fast rule that it does not recognize de facto parents. If a third-party can prove what the law calls "exceptional circumstances" or that the natural parent is unfit to parent, then that person can get custody.  Other states have laws that say, for example, if a child has lived for a continuous year with a third party who has provided a certain amount of support, the third party can try to get custody.

As a grandparent, I have deep personal feelings about laws that undertake to give grandparents (and other third parties like aunts, uncles, siblings and the like) the "right" to a relationship with the children who come into the family.  From a personal perspective, I like those laws.  But as a lawyer, I'm think there's a lot of wisdom in making it hard for a grandparent or uncle, or aunt or stepparent to get custody or even visitation.

Most families have some amount of dysfunction going on, even the best of them.  Sadly, whether the family history includes divorce or not, the dysfunction gets passed down from generation to generation.  Having seen the havoc that is wrought on a child when two natural parents fight over custody and visitation, I can't imagine how much worse it could be if the law allowed more people with a relationship with a child to join the fray.  Or how much damage could be done in a family that is determined to "gang up" on an individual family member whose only fault is to live a life other than the life sanctioned by the family.

It pains me to admit it, as a grandmother, but I have to say, from where I sit, the laws limiting custody to natural parents except in very unusual circumstances are there for a very good reason.

Maryland Law and Military Parents

More and more parents serve in the military.  That means that if the relationship between the parents is already troubled, there are far more opportunities to gain leverage in a custody and/or visitation dispute.  My colleague, Judianne Cochran recently published a two-part article with excellent suggestions as a guest of the Ohio Family Law Blog.  You can read her piece here: Suggestions for Military Parents.

Maryland  has gone a step further than some states and has a statute that governs custody and visitation orders for military parents.  You can find it at Md. Fam. Law, Art. sec. 9-108.

The law defines what "deployment" means and what it does not mean.

• It requires specific reference of a parent's deployment.

• It requires specific reference to when a parent's deployment is set to end; and

• It requires a prompt hearing when that occurs.

• It also requires the parent not in the military to "reasonably accommodate" the leave schedule of the military parent.

• To facilitate opportunities for telephone and electronic contact between the military parent and child(ren); and 

• Requires the military to provide timely information about his or her leave schedule to the non-military parent.

If you are in the military and need help with a custody or visitation matter, contact me today to schedule an appointment.  I'd love to serve you.

Top Five Pre-Divorce Mistakes

Number 1 Mistake - Doing Nothing.

Your spouse has admitted to having an affair but he/she promises never to do it again.   Go to marriage counseling, but don't stop there.  Exercise some prudence and start planning.  Contact a lawyer and get immediate advice on whether and how to document the affair.

Your spouse has moved out and tells you he/she needs space.  There are no deadlines, no promises, just the vague hope that it might work out in the future.  Go to marriage counseling if you need to, but don't stop there.   Contact a lawyer right away to find out what you need to know about household finances and other issues that won't wait for your spouse to make up his or her mind.

Number 2  Mistake - Trying to Get An Internet Law Degree for Your Divorce.  

There's a reason it takes three years of intense study, thousands of dollars, and the ability to pass a really hard test to become a lawyer.  Don't make the mistake of thinking you can do it yourself.  Even if you have to get started on your own, using a form, take the time and spend the money to consult with an experienced family law attorney about what you put into the form, whether it's correct procedurally, and what you will need to do to get started on your own.

Number 3 Mistake - Confusing Bargain-hunting With Shopping.  

You may find the right lawyer on the first try, but if you are uncomfortable, be sure to try a couple of others.  But don't confuse bargain-hunting with shopping.  You are looking for a lawyer with plenty of experience specifically in divorce and/or custody law or, if your state allows it, who has a specialty in Family Law or Domestic Relations.   Quality service costs money.  Have your resources in order so that you can get quality at a reasonable price.

Number 4 Mistake - Failing to Educate Yourself

Become a collector of facts and leave the law to the lawyers. Quietly begin to make copies of every paper you can find.  Account statements, loan documents, real property documents, and the like.  Keep the copies you make in a location not in your home or where your spouse can access them.  If you do have to get a divorce, these simple actions can be a lifesaver.

 Know everything you can about your finances and those of your spouse --- this means bank account numbers, where important papers are kept and what is kept there, what kind of assets you and your spouse own and what kind of assets he or she owns.  If your spouse has voluntarily given you passwords to important online accounts, keep them in a safe place.  Be sure your banks, lenders and other important contacts know who you are if you have joint accounts with your spouse.

Number 5 Mistake - Always Trust Your Gut

When a marriage ends, usually one person knows long before the other.  For the person being left, the awareness of what is happening can sometimes come only slowly and gradually.  Or some random comment or event will suddenly strike as odd or out of place.  One way or the other, though, don't dismiss your intuition that something could be wrong.  If it's too hard to figure out on your own, get help from a professional counselor with experience in couples counseling.  Most professionals provide a service known as "exit counseling" to help people thinking about, or just becoming aware of the fact that a divorce is looming.