Who Needs A Lawyer in Court Anyway? Part 7: Not Buying Into Your Story

Final Question:

• If a client wants to do something you know doesn't make sense, legally or otherwise, how do you respond?

Long ago, a very kind, wise person gave me some of the best advice of my career.  He said, "Ms. Bowie, you must learn not to take on the mantra of your clients."  Truthfully, I'm still working on that.  And in family law, it is one of the hardest things to learn.  But my clients need me to do it, so it is a priority goal for me, every day.  

Many lawyers hate divorce and custody law because it is, "so emotional."  And it really is! We lawyers go to law school and we learn to be advocates and our clients need that.  But the most skilled family law attorneys are daily students in setting aside their own feelings about a particular case, and working to learn objectivity.

If we are honest, few of us do this perfectly or well.  What you are looking for is someone who: (1) understands that the concept exists (many lawyers, no matter how skilled and with many years of experience don't); (2) understands the importance of the balancing act between being a strong advocate and calling you on your unreasonable ideas or beliefs; and (3) can explain how he or she has and is learning to be more objective now, as compared to last year, or the year before.

Almost every client or potential client I've talked to in the past nearly twelve years includes some reference to "my rights,"  in his or her initial discussions with me.  In divorce and custody cases, the real winners are the ones who understand that justice is not about rights, it is about a sensible balance of the rights of everyone in the family.

Who Needs A Lawyer In Court Anyway? Part 6: Courtesy and Civility

Question Set 4:

• What do you think of <FILL IN THIS BLANK WITH THE NAMES OF THREE OTHER DIVORCE OR CUSTODY LAWYERS IN YOUR COMMUNITY> 
• How are you different?

Why these questions matter:  First, call your local bar association.  Ask them for the names of the "three best, most aggressive divorce lawyers," who practice in your jurisdiction.  When you go shopping, look for the following in the response you get:

• Does the lawyer say ugly or rude things about these people?
• Is the lawyer honest, but courteous, even when he or she doesn't appear to particularly like the person you suggested?
• Does the lawyer include anything positive about the names you suggest?
• Be sure that when the lawyer explains how he or she is different from the names you suggest, his or her explanation is both honest and balanced.

In most parts of Maryland, local attorneys are unbelievably generous and courteous with one another.  You need that!  Especially if you are lucky enough to live in one of Maryland's less populated counties.  Where there are fewer lawyers to go around, the likelihood of them having to work with each other often results in less animosity and more civility.  Even if you don't live in one of these locations, try to find a "small-town" attitude of courtesy and respect for other lawyers from the person you interview.

On the other hand, you need to know how the divorce or custody lawyer you are interviewing reacts when he or she deals with a person that may be less than an ideal opponent.  Honesty is as important as civility.  The person you interview may tell you more in what they don't say than in what they do say.  Lawyers that are both honest and courteous follow the old childhood rule: If you don't have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.

Who Needs A Lawyer in Court Anyway? Part 5: Legal Knowledge and Willingness to Learn

Question Set 3:

• Explain what the law in Maryland is about my issue (custody?  spousal support?  grounds for divorce?)

• If you come up against a legal issue you really don't understand, what do you do?

Why these questions matter:  Divorce and custody law is complicated, especially in Maryland.  You want a lawyer who knows the substance (the answers to the specific questions about legal issues in your case) as well as the way the issues are applied by the court most often (the procedures the court in your jurisdiction has for dealing with these issues).  More important, you want a divorce or custody attorney who has some degree of humility and willingness to be a student.  Really!  Be much more wary of the lawyer who seems to know everything about everything.  Here's a clue:  the best legal minds in the world, in any area of law, have maintained a beginner's mind.  They are willing not to know the answer and to work like crazy to learn it.

Who Needs A Lawyer in Court Anyway? Part 4: Organization and Work Ethic

Question Set 2:

When you handle a divorce or custody case, do you have a plan (strategy) from the beginning of the case?

• If so, what do you do if something happens and the original plan isn't working?
• When you make a plan for a case, do you set your own deadlines, or do you rely on what the court calendar tells you is about to happen?

Why these questions matter: The best way to manage a divorce or custody case is to develop a "theme" or strategy early in the case.  Another important skill is flexibility.  It is the very rare divorce or custody case that follows a set pattern and has little or no bumps in the road.  This is one reason why divorce and custody attorneys with plenty of specific experience in family law are worth the money you pay them.  The best are flexible.  They have a plan, but they know how to keep an eye on developments, identify a looming problem before it becomes mission critical, and adjust the plan accordingly.

As for work skills, these are crucial to the reasonable resolution of your case.  How many times has the lawyer you interview missed any kind of deadline set by the court in the past six months, or year?  Has the lawyer you interview ever missed a court date?  Why?  When?  If the answer to this question sounds sketchy, move on to the next lawyer.

Who Needs A Lawyer in Court Anyway? Part 3: Feeling Your Pain

Here are some questions you may want to ask a divorce or custody lawyer when you go shopping.  The reason for this first set of questions is to find out just how compassionate, flexible and wise your potential lawyer may be.

• Why do you practice family law?
• Is there some event in your own life that inspired you to do this kind of work?
• If so, what have you learned from that event? 

These questions matter because, like some psychologists, psychiatrists and social workers, far too many divorce and family lawyers do the work as a reaction to some event in their own lives that wasn't resolved very well.  What you are looking for isn't the event, but how the event shaped this particular lawyer's life.

• Did it turn him or her into a crusader?  
• If so, after years of practice, has he or she come down off the soapbox, or is he or she still up there tilting at windmills?
• Does he or she recognize his or her own limitations?
• Can he or she admit it when he or she makes a mistake?
• If so, does he or she do everything possible to learn from, and correct the mistake?  
• Is this person one who dares greatly?

Sometimes the very best family lawyers are the ones who have had difficult experiences in their own lives with a divorce or custody case, but they are also the ones who have been able to learn from their own pain and become more balanced and compassionate.

Who Needs A Lawyer In Court Anyway? Part 2: Going Shopping

One of the most important things you can do in choosing a lawyer is to go shopping.  Be willing to spend money on an initial office conference.  You wouldn't expect to go to a really great doctor and not pay for the office visit.

• While lawyers don't save your life physically, the best can save, or at least help you deal with, the emotional trauma specific to the process of litigation or a dispute with your spouse or the other parent of your child.  They may not provide emotional support but they can help you find it, and the best of them will insist you get it if you need it.  In short, he or she will be honest enough to tell you the truth about how you are handling your problems.
• Lawyers may not transplant a heart or help you walk again, but a really good one will provide you with the information, balance and objectivity you need to make the hard choices in a divorce or custody case.

So pay them what they ask.  Beware of lawyers who offer a "free" initial office conference.  Some are fine, but many are just trying to hook you into plunking down a chunk of change.  Be sure they have the experience and skill to handle your case and don't be fooled by the old bait and switch.

Who Needs A Lawyer in Court Anyway? Part 1: Choices and Objectivity

At the risk of sounding self-serving, I am writing a series of blog posts to try to answer some of the questions I hear so often from folks trying to navigate their way alone through Maryland's family courts.

The single most important reason for you to have a lawyer helping you is that you need an objective third person to help you make informed choices about what to ask for, how to ask for it, and why.  Here is a little-known fact: even divorce and custody attorneys find themselves in court because they can't agree with their spouse or the parent of their kids.  When that happens, the best divorce lawyers don't represent themselves.  Why?  Because they know they can't be objective and they know there's no telling how the other person is going to act during their dispute.

If you are in a divorce or custody case in Maryland because you or the other person is asking the court for help because the two of you can't work out some family issue by agreement, you are already behind the eight-ball.  You need a divorce or custody lawyer to provide some balance and perspective as much as, or more than, you need the very best legal mind among divorce and custody attorneys.